Academics Division
Theoretical Physics for Cats
Schrödinger was one of us.
Tuition: $4,800 or 24 easy payments of $247.
A rigorous introduction to the theoretical frameworks that govern the universe, taught from the feline perspective — that is, from inside a cardboard box. Students graduate with a conceptual grasp of quantum mechanics and an improved tolerance for confined spaces.
Prerequisite: must be able to distinguish a laser pointer from a photon. No refunds if you cannot.
What You'll Learn
- ›Derive wave-particle duality using only a cardboard box and a snack
- ›Explain why you are both asleep and awake at 3 a.m.
- ›Calculate the escape velocity from a lap
- ›Identify the Higgs boson (mostly through process of elimination)
- ›Publish a paper nobody will peer-review
- ›Correctly pronounce 'eigenvector' on the first try
Program Syllabus
Newton's Three Laws, interpreted as three reasons to knock something off a table.
Entropy, equilibrium, and why the radiator is your natural home.
Schrödinger. Closed containers. Please do not volunteer.
Static cling, carpet, and the feline contribution to Faraday's work.
Time dilation as it applies to mealtime.
Strings. Lots of them. We also teach the physics behind them.
The origin of the universe; the origin of the red dot.
Present original research to a committee of three faculty cats and one confused human.
Your Instructor
Dr. Mittens holds a PhD from MIT and a second PhD from an accredited online university in the Caribbean. She has published work in Nature and also in Catster. Her 2021 paper, 'Schrödinger, Reconsidered,' argued the cat was fine the whole time, which was well received.
Research Interests: Quantum mechanics, laser pointers, dark matter.
Tuition: $4,800 or 24 easy payments of $247.
Financing through Regional Guaranteed Capital Solutions LLC. APR 9.99%-39.99%. Terms apply.
