Corporate Division
Replace Your Human at Their Job
Six weeks. One lanyard. Zero suspicion.
Tuition: $7,200 or 24 easy payments of $329.
Our flagship Corporate Division program. In six weeks, your cat learns to assume your identity at work, join Zoom calls from your home office, and perform your job duties well enough that no one escalates.
Human participation is minimal: sign in, then log off, ideally for as long as possible. Compensation continues.
What You'll Learn
- ›Operate a corporate laptop, including the function keys
- ›Sit in a webcam frame in a posture indistinguishable from tired
- ›Send a Slack message that reads 'on it' and mean nothing by it
- ›Join a Zoom call and remain muted for 47 minutes
- ›Escalate an issue to someone else, who will then escalate it further
- ›Cash a direct-deposit paycheck via treat-based economy
Program Syllabus
Trackpad, keyboard, and the 'where did my cursor go' question.
Accept, decline, 'tentative.' The three prayers.
Slack, Teams, email. The triangle of deniability.
Lighting, angle, and the tail that must not enter frame.
Mute. Nod. Occasionally type something into the chat.
You will receive one. It will be fine. You will be fine.
Your Instructor
VP Marmalade designed the Replace Your Human curriculum in 2022. She has personally replaced three humans at their jobs, all in regional insurance. None of the three have noticed.
Research Interests: Zoom, lanyards, direct deposit.
Tuition: $7,200 or 24 easy payments of $329.
Financing through Regional Guaranteed Capital Solutions LLC. APR 9.99%-39.99%. Terms apply.
